Content disclaimer parody

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WIKIPEDIA CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY APPALLING

In its encyclopedic function, Wikipedia contains dozens of articles on several topics. A relatively small fraction of these topics (1/2 is a small fraction, right?) are frequently censored by educational, federal, state, county, corporate, parental, tribal, piscatorial, ponzi, and other schemes.

  • Some Wikipedia articles discuss words or language that are considered profane, vulgar, or offensive by some readers. For example, our article on Saint Alda contains the terms "cocksucking whore", "pope-fucker", "ignorant little cunt", and "fucking little goody-two-shoes" (we don't like Saint Alda very much). Other pages contain objectionable terms such as "tutnum", "kipzock", "togneme", and "looshpah". One article contains a word that, if you read it, your brains will come out through your nose. (If you find this article, have your next of kin notify us and we will send a card.) Also, by policy, every Wikipedia article contains the word "lobster" worked in somehow (and believe us, it's not always easy).
  • Articles may contain audio, visual, or written representations of people or events which may be protected by some cultures. For example: we include a graphic description of the Death of Superman, even though in the culture of most Wikipedians this was a traumatic event which is normally never allowed to be spoken of.
  • Wikipedia contains many different images, some of which are considered objectionable or offensive by some readers. For example, some articles contain graphical depictions of violence, or depictions of human anatomy. And animal anatomy. And alien anatomy (just don't ask us where got those). And people eating kittens. And people eating aliens (do not ask us where we got those). And one article has a picture of guy - get this - with his johnson caught in a water pump for a 1963 Ford Fairlane. It doesn't really belong in the article (which is Parliamentary Franchise in the United Kingdom 1885–1918), but we thought it was bitchin' so we put it in anyway. Because we can do whatever we want. Did we mention that?
  • Many articles contain frank and pointless discussion of controversial topics. Some subjects that are discussed have criminal applications in some jurisdictions. What the fuck does that mean? That is in the actual disclaimer: "Some subjects that are discussed have criminal applications". Do we have articles on how to abuse animals? How to waylay and kill the Secretary of Transportation? We probably do. Anyway. Other articles contain information on dangerous or otherwise risky activities (for example, the articles Go ahead, tell your wife she could stand to lose ten pounds and How to kill yourself, right now, without getting up from the computer).
  • Wikipedia contains spoilers. You know - Titanic: the boat sinks. The Bible: He gets crucified and dies (but not really!). That sort of thing.
  • Wikipedia may contain triggers for people with standards, intelligence, or taste. If complete and utterly idiotic drivel makes you foam at the mouth, repeatedly bang your forehead on the table, or fall down dead, you should not read Wikipedia. See List of villains in Codename:Kids Next Door.
  • Wikipedia may contain images and videos which can trigger certain medical conditions, including but not limited to: smallpox, scurvy, glossolalia; the vapors, the creeps, the crummies, the screaming mimis; plague, famine, stigmata, knee trembling, finger snapping, happy feet; tennis elbow, golfer's knee, congressman's mouth; chronic idiocy, mumps, myalgia, hebephrenia; sudden pork butt syndrome; the trots, the dumps, the plops, the galloping shits; the Irish problem, the Persian question, the Polish corridor; pestilence, genetic drift, uncontrollable rioting, rapid population growth; invisible hand disease; rampant ignorance, unjustified feelings of adequacy, contagious kleptomania; liver flukes, river blindness, combat fatigue, incurable dog breath; and just-plain-dead syndrome.
  • Since Wikipedia is open to contributions from the public, there may at any time be reasonable and intelligent content present on Wikipedia. However, this is reverted as soon as detected.
  • There may be medical, legal, philosophical, metaphysical, or other information that is normally also the subject of professional opinions; Wikipedia is not a substitute for seeking the help of a professional, friend, enemy, cousin, neighbor, or random stranger. Please note: Wikipedia does not give advice on carpentry, model railroading, taxidermy, how to teach a giraffe to speak Turkish, or how to boil cats alive. OK, we do give advice on how to boil cats alive. But only for scholarly purposes.

Wikipedia's current policy is to include such content, provided it breaches neither any of our existing policies nor the laws of the Tuvan People's Republic, where Wikipedia is hosted, nor the Law of the Sea, nor the Code Napoleon, nor the Law of the jungle, nor the student honor code of George Washington High School in Danville, Virginia, nor the strictures of the Church of Lord Satan. Employees must wash hands after reading Wikipedia.

In any case, Wikipedia is a work in progress, and many articles contain errors, bias, duplication, rank uncontrollable insane idiocy, or simply need to be smashed to pieces, and the pieces burned to ashes, and the ashes scattered. We encourage readers to bring us a snack and maybe some coffee (cream, no sugar, thanks) while we fix these problems. The great majority of articles are written primarily or solely by individuals who are not subject matter experts (this is putting it mildly), and may lack academic or professional credentials in the area, in the sense that their highest level of schooling was 7th grade and their profession is crash test dummy. And the remainder are written by evil dogs that lurk in the forest, which is probably an improvement.

Wikipedia contains obscure information that would not be covered in a conventional encyclopedia. Hell, Wikipedia contains obscure information that would probably not be covered in Borges's library. Wikipedia's coverage is based on the interests of its volunteer contributors. Readers should not judge the importance of topics based on their coverage in Wikipedia, nor assume that a topic is important merely because it is the subject of a Wikipedia article. Why are we telling you this? If you need to be told that Squiddly Diddly is not an important topic, you are a hopeless cretin, right? Welcome to Wikipedia!